Two years ago this morning my mum passed away after her long struggle with lymphoma. She'd lived well past the time she'd been given when the last chemo/radiation treatment failed her. The suffering she endured both personally and watching my dad before he died really tested her established beliefs. Sometimes she'd get so frustrated she'd take off her wig and throw it, but in the last few months she found and deeper peace with her condition and her God. Whether that was all spiritual or just the final stop on the Kubler-Ross Express is known only to her.

She lived a good life in service to not only her family, but also her patients. There were many times when my dad was drinking heavily that she thought about taking us kids and leaving him, but she stuck it out through all the broken promises and was eventually rewarded with my dad's sustained sobriety. She chose to work the night shift on the alcohol/drug detox unit at the VA (can you say "sublimation") caring for the patients when they came in drunk, belligerent and puking. She'd clean them up, put them to bed and in the morning work with the docs to get them transferred to rehab units or send them back out (when they didn't want rehab) with fingers crossed and the reminder of "I'm usually here on the night shift. You can always come back if you really want rehab next time." On more than one occasion we would be out in public and some unknown man would come up to her and say something like, "Hi, Ms. Quinn, remember me? I'm still doing great with AA (or some other program) and just wanted you to know." She'd always congratulate them on their sobriety and reinforce to them that it was THEIR victory. I had a chance to work on her unit in residency. I would come on in the mornings as she would be ending her night shift and I'd walk her to her car.

It doesn't seem like two years, but I, of course, still miss her terribly. Time has made it a little easier, but I spoke with my sister who still feels it more keenly since she essentially lived with her those last few years.  So I'll remember only the good today and as my Jewish friends at work told me, "May her memory be for a blessing".  I love you, mom, and miss you.

My mom passed away at around 1:30 this morning. She'd been in much more pain and they were able to keep her comfortable. I'm alternately numb and crying, but I have to get things together to head up to Little Rock today. There was a lot of snow/ice up there so my sister was not able to be there which, like my dad, is probably how she wanted to go. She's been seeing my dad and others in her room so I felt the time was short. I thank God for the many years we had her here and that she's finally out of pain. I'll be out of town for a time, but will likely have good things to report when I return. Thank you ALL for all the prayers and words of support. Losing two parents in the space of a little more than a year has been draining.

John

My sister has been visiting my mother every day while she's been in hospice. I've said it many times but I am eternally thankful to my sister for her care of my mom, bt also amazed that she's been able to deal with all of this with such strength and humor. All this and trying to care for her 5 y/o daughter while dealing with her asshole ex-husband, Jim-bo.

My mother has been getting some strong pain meds and this makes her hallucinate. She's been seeing things like "beautiful ladies", random people and even sees my dad at times. All of these, thankfully, have been pleasant for her, even allowing her to laugh at times.

Today she was watching something in the room while my sister was with her. My sister is used to this and so she asked her if there was something in the room. My mom told her there was something there, a giant walking penis with legs. My sister responded, without skipping a beat, "Don't worry, mom, it's probably just Jim-bo. He's the biggest dick I know." They both had a good laugh from that....

My brother spent the last week with my mom and sister up in Little Rock as a visit for Christmas. I spoke with him a few times while he was there and he seems to be doing well. He and I are not as close as my sister and I. Partly this is because he lives so far away and travels with business a lot, but in the past he seemed to have a lot of issues I called "middle child syndrome". I'm the oldest, then next is my brother who is 14 months younger than I, followed by my sister who is 14 months younger than my brother. There was always a lot of competition when we were younger. I did better in school and he did better in sports. We've grown much closer as adults, but we don't stay in touch as much as we should. I love him, though, very much and am glad we're as close as we are.

We were talking about my mom and how her condition waxes and wanes. I told him my frustrations at not being able to do anything to help other than my daily calls to mom and my sister. He then said, " Jay, you're doing all you can and in this case you've got to learn that there's nothing TO do." He said further, " I'm just trying to live moment by moment and ask what is it I can do right now, then learn to accept the limitations that the situation presents." I was very touched by that and told him that really helped me because as a medical person I want to find out what's wrong and fix it. He flat told me, "You can rest easy, Jay. You can't fix this." That gave me a great sense of peace. I think it also helped me feel even closer to my little brother, who by the way is 6'4" and about 250..

My mom's been having more pain lately, namely in her left side, so she's going to go back into the inpatient hospice tomorrow so the medical team can try to track down the cause. The hospice team thinks they can get her comfortable then she can return home. I know this will also help my sister so that she won't worry about her as much.

The heat continues here, though we have had some relief at times this past week with some rain. I'm just patiently waiting for fall to come so I can again go outside without the threat of heat stroke. I hope that some day I can move somewhere cooler like the Northwest. I'm just a heat hater!


Just a few more days until we make our way back north to visit my mom in Little Rock. I talk with her daily now and she's looking forward to all of us coming for a visit for her birthday. It's odd to think about birthday gifts, though. She hasn't been able to do much and doesn't get out at all either. I decided since she used to like to play "Solitaire" on the computer I'd get her a handheld version she can play in her chair. She also really likes marcasite jewelry so maybe I can find her something and that will give her more hope that she can become more independent, come what may. Her health has reached a plateau. She's getting a little stronger every day, but some of the harbingers of a full blown lymphoma flair are cropping up. The most annoying for her is itchy patches on her forearms. She's dealing with this though so we're just taking this each symptom at a time. Her appetite is very good and her spirits are up so I can't complain..

Well today it is roughly two months past the time the oncologists predicted my mom would die. I'm calling her every day now just to say hello and check on her. She's holding her own and continues to fight the cancer. She's really trying hard to get more mobile and is doing better than anyone expected. She's able to get from her chair to the wheelchair without assistance and tool around the room. She's also bathing with limited help and even getting out with my sister for a drive or going over to my sister's house.

We're all trying to be optimistic and keep our faith that she can still fight this. Her 74th birthday is next month on the 17th and we're all going to make a trip up there to celebrate. I've just come to taking this truly each day as it comes and encourage or help her as best I can from here...

I know it's been a long time (or so it seems) since I've posted. I was trying to get back in the swing of posting when I got some bad news from home and my mom went into hospice. Things have stabilized a bit so I can catch my breath!


Thanks to everyone who sent nudges to post and remembered my birthday this weekend. I really appreciate it and was a real boost for me. :)

A lot has transpired, but briefly, I went home on weekends to see my mom and help my sister take care of her. She has home hospice and a daily sitter when my sister was at work. At first the docs gave my mom a grim prognosis, saying she'd likely be gone by the end of May. Her sisters tried to get things together to come for a visit (from Connecticut and Boston) but they couldn't get there until the end of June. This worked out well though because it gave her something to really look forward to and she really enjoyed their visit. Her symptoms were up and down, but by the end of June she was actually picking up, much to the pleasant surprise of all of us. She can't yet get around on her own but is getting stronger and able to get from her bed or chair into her wheelchair. She has one of those "hover-round" things so she can zip along. We tried to keep her spirits up when we were there, so sometimes I'd ride around in her chair singing "You made me Love You" like that woman does on the Hover-round commercial. She hates that commercial as much as I do! I just keep praying she'll hold up and not suffer. She's very strong and stubborn so she won't go quietly.

Work has taken a good turn. Elmer Fudd finally left so now we have no more psycho boss in the ER. The new boss starts September 1st so we're keeping our fingers crossed. *sigh* Now if I can just coast a bit I'll be very happy!

I hope everyone's having a good Memorial day weekend. I'm stuck on-call, but so far our admits have been light so it's not been too bad.

I've been calling my mom daily to let her know I'm here and also to see if there's anything either she or my sister's needing. She's at a hospice facility right now, but is supposed to go home next week and have the hospice folks come out there. She was fine yesterday except for feeling weak and a little nauseated. Today I called the room and there was no answer. I didn't panic but remembered that my sister talked about taking her out if she felt better. I called my sister's cellphone and she was out with mom for a drive. They'd given her some portable oxygen and she was in good spirits. They were going to get some lunch at Burger King and then go back to the house for a little while. It was good to hear her in better spirits.

I know it's almost fanciful to think that we'll have more time, but I'm not going to sink into despair either. We're just going to take each day as it comes, good or bad.

My sister called to say the oncologist came in and told my mom there's nothing more they can do for her lymphoma. The hospice people come tomorrow to get things arranged for her. My sister said she'd need to call family and have them come see her. The oncologist said she should tell them to come before the end of May. I really thought we had more time than that....

I got a call from my sister that she had to put my mom back in the hospital. She finished her radiation therapy for her lymphoma and was doing fairly well but started having nausea and fever/chills. She's on some heavy duty antibiotics and fluids, but still having fever. It's been hard to get a straight story from the docs. We still don't know what's causing the fever. She's got thrush in her mouth from the radiation so that may be it, but she's not yet on any anti-fungal meds. I told my sister to try and pin a doc down tomorrow when she's up there and try and get an answer.

The main thing that worries me is that my colleague on the unit is going on vacation next week so I'll be covering the whole unit myself. Please, God, don't let things get bad next week when I'm by myself. Ugh!